Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Dear Internet,
We've been friends for a very, very long time.  In fact you may be my oldest, most trusted friend.  I have fond memories of you before all this "http" nonsense.  I used to call you up on the phone and we'd play text games via bulletin boards.  I remember when I had to call you in Juno to get my e-mail before html.  We've had years and years of wonderful time to build memories.  Back in the day we would get together maybe once a day or every couple of days, but now we seem inseparable.  I see you at work, I see you at home, sometimes I even see you in my car or out at a park.  And I love our time together.
In the recent years you've helped me keep in touch with old friends, search for jobs, and even tell others my opinions on a huge range of topics.  And in the past 9 months you've allowed me to tell others what I'm thinking in 140 characters or less.  But I've also noticed you've been changing in some ways that I'm not real happy with.
Over the past few years you've allowed people like Paris Hilton and Perez Hilton to become celebrities.  You've enabled Kim Kardashian to get her own television series and now a spin-off for her hack sisters.  You've helped a woman named the "Octo-Mom" to become an overnight sensation, to the point that she too has gotten her own show and millions of dollars.  In fact recently I've noticed you are enabling more and more no-talent hacks to become famous for doing nothing.  (In some cases they just simply have to lie on their backs!) 
And I ask you, why internet?  Why, have you bombarded me with websites that show me what Jon, a confirmed douchebag, and his awful wife are doing on an hourly basis.  I can't get online without seeing stories of cast members of "The Hills" doing something so inconsequential that it doesn't deserve a line on page 23 of section E in the paper, let alone an entire news story. (Yes, that's a reference to a Newspaper, something you seem to be trying to get all your friends to forget about.)  Also, I don't need to know what my favorite actor/actress is doing 24/7, nor do I need to hear their opinions on topics relating to politics, finances, or anything else unrelated to being in a movie. (unless of course I've chosen to follow them on Twitter)  So stop stalking these celebs and just let them live their lives.  And once a celeb ruins their career with drugs, alcohol, or stupidity, we don't want to hear about them again until they turn their careers around, we don't need daily updates on their relationship ups and downs or how someone looking exactly like them "broke" into their house.
Don't get me wrong, I still love you.  You allow me to watch TV shows I missed when my DVR screwed up, you allow me to buy music without leaving my house, you help me pay bills and communicate with friends instantly (sorry snail mail, nobody misses you), and maybe most importantly you give me access to more information that I know what to do with.  But seriously you have to stop making talentless hacks famous.  I beg you to cut off relations with TMZ, Perezhilton.com, and all the other worthless sites like them.  Help those site that once covered actual news (I'm looking at you FoxNews) see the error of their ways and steer away from the dredge that makes up their so-called "Entertainment" sections.
That's my plea, old friend, I love you, you're perfect, now change.
The CineManiac

P.S.: (Warning: Language)

Posted via email from the_cinemaniac's posterous


pjowens75 said...

Dear CineManiac,
Your message could not be delivered due to a celebrity server overload.

Please try again later when celebrity traffic has lessened.

Thank you,

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